The angel outside Walmart

Today I met a homeless man outside Walmart. He only said "Keep that pretty smile pretty" as I walked by. As I shopped I thought about him and when I walked out of the store, I saw him and smiled. He told me "Ah that beautiful smile" and asked the man that walked out behind me if he had "a penny to help feed the homeless". I dug through my purse and managed to find only 60 cents but when I gave it to him, he thanked me and said "God bless you" over and over again. I returned the favor and before he left he told me "make sure you keep that beautiful smile beautiful".

Now, I know not everyone is religious, but I am. I have always believed that you should never turn your back on the hungry because you don't know when it will be an angel or Jesus. Well, as I said goodbye I touched his shoulder and it just felt interesting. It was warm despite the cool breeze and I felt very calm. I'm not saying he was Jesus, but I don't doubt for a second that he was an angel.

Moral: Don't turn your back on the homeless. Even if they are not and they are exploiting others, that is their hell to pay in the end and you just never know.

California Gurls

Fast forward a few months and here we are in Norther California. Let me tell you leaving San Angelo was more mind numbing than I thought it would be. Everybody was crying and I didn't know how we would make the 3-4 day drive.

Almost 100 miles later and we're in Big Spring. Suddenly the trip is getting more exciting. We get to the interstate and Mat takes over driving (scary!!). The next 3 days are not actually as bad as I thought they would be. We stopped at more truck stops than I had previously seen in my lifetime and we even got to see The Thing! I've got to say, I kind of miss the traveling.

So here we are. Livermore, California. We're about 45 minutes from Half Moon Bay with more beaches than we'd ever need. 30 minutes from the heart of San Francisco, and about a 5 hour drive from Los Angeles.

Super Stressing

It's a little under a month before we leave to move to California and I am stressing. So much that I can't even think about closing the ebay page full of purses.

For those that don't know me, I look at purses when I am stressed. I own more than I will ever use and they have become my comfort item.

Anyway, first of all, I realized that when it came down to it, I don't actually want to move away from family. I never realized how much I rely on them. At the same time, I want Mat to get his certification and experience. Once again, I will be doing something to please someone else. But I think this will benefit us in the long run.

Secondly, I realized how much I hate packing when Mat started bringing in the boxes. I always manage to pack one or two boxes nicely and the rest is an absolute mess.

The packing is really nothing. I just don't look forward to driving away from the town I lived in for 25 years. I had my daughter here and I love this place.

I know leaving family will be harder than anything I have ever done. I would go through the healing I went through after having Kiara every day if it meant we could live here and do well financially. Sadly (and fortunately, for my under carriage) that isn't possible.

I was asked how my parents feel about our move by my mother-in-law and, naturally, her response was "They'll get used to it. We had to". Okay now I understand you had to go through this 5 years ago, but telling me that does not make friends and doesn't help for beans. I've heard that from her many times and I think this next time may be my final straw. I would never be mean to her because she is my husband's mother, but I will have to speak bluntly and to the point. I simply don't want to hear comments like that. So if you read this, Shane, you know. If you don't, well then I guess I'll have to message you through FB or something.

So the countdown has started. I hate it that I can't truly enjoy my birthday because this will be weighing on my mind the whole time.

Random gripe with a side of self pity

So as usual, I'm crusing around Facebook today and it made me remember when I saw a cousin online. I won't name her, but I will say I had wanted to use her name in my daughter's name and now, I'm kind of glad I didn't.

I had tried to talk to her a while back, but she was busy which makes me wonder why she was on Facebook if she was so busy? I tried to talk to her about the possibility of us moving to California, but she didn't say a word about it. Now, I understand she said she was busy, but she has randomly commented on my older and younger sister's posts, so wtf?

Now for the self pity. I realize my cousins probably hate me because every time I have a spat with my mother, she tells her brothers and/or sisters what a horrible child I am (The tattoos made me do it) and I don't know if they talk to their kids, but even the cousins I grew up with have tried to talk down to me. Don't get me wrong, though. I love my mother.

So here's where I'm frustrated. I've been told I should talk to family that lives in California to get an idea of cost of living, etc but how can I ask anyone when they already have it in their heads that I'm immature and disrespectful?

I tried to talk to my Aunt, but she told me they had a bad prison in the town we'd be living in, which there isn't. It's a detention center for trustees, but we have one outside of San Angelo, so why is anyone comfortable living here? I was also told it's very expensive, despite the fact I was there in September and the last time my aunt was there was in the late 90's.

I get it.

Nobody wants me to move away but why not? Nobody comes to visit us. It's not like I think nobody cares or something. I just think we all have our own lives and we should not be guilted or scared into staying somewhere there is no future for our family.

I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but I am thinking more and more that I've made up my mind. And not based on anger.

California, plain and simple

So yeah, we're possibly moving to California. And yeah, I've done research. Have I said I'm done? No! So why treat me like I'm going into this with my eyes closed? I'm tired of the supposed horror stories from people who haven't been there in a decade or so. I'm tired of hearing statistics for a city I'm not even going to be living in. And I'm tired of having zero support.

There are those that are under the sadly mistaken impression that I need permission to do this. I'm tired of people telling me I'm making up scenarios to give myself permission to go. I'm tired of people telling me I don't have their permission. I don't need permission. I simply need support. Who will benefit from making me feel guilty for a decision I have to make to better the lifestyle of my family? Hint: It's nobody. Who benefits from hanging up on me when I try to talk about what may happen? Hint: Still nobody.

Truth be told, I have actually made up my mind. If certain conditions are met, then yes, we will be moving.

Will I be sad? Of course! In a perfect world, I could live near my family and Mat could live near his and we'd all live close by and in a huge house with no bills and a car that works. But I'm punishing my family for the sake of my inability to loosen the apron strings. No one ever said they *had* to be cut.

So please. Stop with the drama. Stop with the worst case scenarios. I'm not living one now, but we're on our way. Every 2 weeks, we are at $0 before the next paycheck goes in. Every year at tax time we use every penny we get to catch up on bills.

Everyone is so quick to tell us what not to do. How about for a change, tell us what we CAN do.

Welcoming myself back!

Never say I didn't warn you all that I'm terrible at blogging.

...I didn't warn anyone?

Oh...well I am. And let me tell you why.

March 24, 2008 I have a feeling I need to take a pregnancy test (after enjoying a nice amount of alcohol in San Antonio) and low and behold, it's positive! I get my mother to take me to Walmart at 4am to buy an expensive test and the result is the same, if not stronger.

March 26, 2008 I have our first ultrasound and when I get up after not seeing anything yet, I bleed and bleed. My doctor told me I had had a miscarriage but I was okay because I knew that meant I could get pregnant.

April 8, 2008 I have bloodwork done to make sure everything is falling like it should so we can start trying again and after a few hours of run arounds that the machine wasn't working, they tell me my levels are over 19,000 (which should be around 100 if it was a miscarriage) and I go in for an ultrasound only to see our wonderful baby girl with a nice strong heartbeat.

Fast forward almost 2 years and here she is. She was born December 2, 2008 weighing in at 10lbs 7.5oz. I had a 4th degree tear, broken tailbone and she cracked her collarbone on the way out. She is awesome! She's 14 months right now and has learned how to stand up by herself and take off walking. She loves Blue's Clues; Ni Hao, Kai-Lan; Lazytown; and especially WWE wrestling. No talking yet, but that's next. She has her own language. LoTR style and all.

So pardon me if my theme on my blog is a bit...well, lacking, but I'm definitely new to blogging and am very opinionated, so I will try to keep things clean so my family can read and not walk away feeling dirtied lol. I know my mouth and I know how I can be.

Hi

I'm Teddy Bear. This is my blog. I live in Australia with my husband. We just got married on the 18th of March and I would have to say it was a very technological wedding. His family was here, and my family was in Texas...12,000 miles away. So what would anyone do in such a situation? We bought a stand mic and hooked it up to an amp next to the computer. With webcam recording and MSN transmitting picture and sound, my mother, father, and Good Charlotte lovin' little sister watched. They heard our vows and we heard their readings and blessings. This is definitely something to tell our kids someday. But for now, I sign off of this post and will post again soon.